Mistakes - #FridayReflections

You haven't lived if you haven't made mistakes.  Mistakes are how we learn, and how we live.

I have made my share of mistakes.  In fact, I can think of a number of mistakes my husband and I have made, when it comes to his autistic brother, "Bil". These include:

1.  Not getting involved in his life soon enough - when his father kept saying (when we tried to bring up Bil's future) "everything is taken care of"....well, it wasn't.  Actually, nothing was taken care of.  Surprise. 

2.  Not applying on his behalf for Medicaid, soon enough, because his mother didn't want us to.  We waited until his widowed mother was struggling, trying to pay for his medications (see #1 above)  that she had to say "yes".  Erroneously, she thought that applying for Medicaid was something that "decent" people didn't do.  But many people don't know that the major beneficiaries of Medicaid, a joint state/federal program, are the elderly, and the disabled.

 By the time she allowed us to go forward, the government had tightened up the requirements.  It took over a year, and a first rejection, to get him the benefits that could pay for his medications, and make other services possible.

3.  Exercise.  Bil never exercised.  When not at his sheltered workshop, he mostly stayed in his room.  Food became a recreation for him.  He loves to eat out.  With his mother, he did plenty of it.

We took him walking in the mall once, and his mother ws upset because he may have had an asthma attack.  We never tried again.

Yes, he has asthma.  But it has also been well controlled for years.

So, why would we want Bil to exercise more, something he doesn't seek out on his own?  For starters, he is overweight bordering on obesity. He does get a little exercise now, at his day program, the program he goes to twice a week (they have exercise videos he enjoys).

But last week, I saw something worrisome.

In our back yard, there is an Adirondack chair.

At a Memorial Day BBQ, Bil ended up sitting in one of our two Adirondack chairs.  The problem?

He couldn't get out of this chair without help.

Bil is in his late 50's.  If you can't get out of a chair in your late 50's, you have a problem.    I've received some education in fall prevention, and I know that your ability to get out of a chair ( a simple sounding thing if you are young)  can predict much about your life as a senior. You need that muscle strength.  Without muscle strength and balance, you become susceptible to falls.

Bil is starting to show signs of vulnerability to falling.  And now I know another mistake - we never paid attention to his physical fitness.  His mother has a long history of falls.  Falls are deadly for seniors.

And now -what do we do, in a way that he will accept?  That is our latest challenge.  Right now, I don't have an answer.  If you have a suggestion, I welcome it.

Join Sanch and Corinne for #FridayReflections.

Today's prompt - "Write a post about making mistakes"

Bil at the Gym

Bil went to a health club last week!

Well, he didn't do much of anything there.  But the fact that he was there was encouraging because of the reason he was there.

His mother took an exercise class - water walking.  She finally (a great victory) allowed herself to be talked into going to a health club. She has a one month trial membership. She had resisted this for years, as her physical condition deteriorated.

Bil's mother is at the point now where she doesn't want to drive by herself.  So, Bil came in the car with her.  I'm not sure what he did for the time she was there but they do have a little cafe there.

I wish so much we could get Bil into that pool, but I somehow don't think that is ever going to happen - unless his mother talks him into going with her.  And I am not sure the club will allow that unless he buys a membership.

The memberships aren't cheap either, sadly.

Right now, our focus is on Bil's Mom.  If she doesn't want to fall again, she must work on her balance. She must use a walker too, but that's another story.

Right now, every time we see Bil, he seems to have gained more weight.  I think he would at least walk in the mall if accompanied by someone.  But his Mom can no longer mall walk and we live hours away.

Right now, we'll just have to put these concerns aside and see what happens with his Mom.  There's only so much we can do at one time.

Trying to Exercise Bil

Every time we see Bil (right now, about once every two months - we live 150 miles from him) it is obvious that he has gained weight since the last visit.

Bil lives with my mother in law, whose mobility continues to deteriorate due to arthritis, and falls.  She used to love to mall walk but it is almost impossible for her now.  The winter especially poses challenges. This past winter he was housebound for weeks as his mother recovered from a fall.

Meantime, there is no close family member to take up the slack and accompany Bil to the mall. (or drive him there, either).  When family comes, their concentration is on my mother in law, and Bil's exercise needs get overlooked.. Bil does like to walk in the mall, but he does it slowly. The one time we ever tried to get Bil to do some exercise walking with us, my mother in law practically read the riot act to us because - what if he had an asthma attack?

I now discover that we are not alone in this fight.

The next step would be:  how do we implement the suggestions in this article?  Bil can't get to the mall on his own. (I suspect the mall is the one place he would exercise, because that is where he used to accompany his Mom.) And, we've never been able to get a reshab provider for Bil to take him out.  But we can't give up.  He has to stop gaining weight.

I hadn't done a Google search in over a year on the subject (trying to get inspiration) - this time I actually found a couple of links (see above).  There is another link that shows promise although right now there is no information concerning adults. But the good news is, some attention is starting to be paid to this

I just wish we could think outside the box.  Because right now I feel like I am at a total dead end, just talking about Bil: talking talking talking and not doing.

The More Things Remain the Same....

Another visit with Bil and my mother in law concludes 

Incident:  It was dinner, and my sister in law had set up a table with food so we could all serve ourselves. Bil is always served by his mother.  So of course he expected to be served.  My sister in law told him he needed to get his own food.  (Even as her mobility deteriorates, and he is supposed to be helping her, it sometimes seems years of habits on her part just don't change.  Not that I don't realize how hard it is to break habits, but she has to let him develop some independence!)

Outcome:  he did get his own food.  But the next time we had dinner, the scenario replayed itself.

Incident:  Family socializes in living room, and just a few feet away, Bil sits by himself and watches The Weather Channel.  Family member tries to get Bil to sit with us.  Bil's mother asks Bil to sit with us. 

Outcome:  Bil reluctantly sits with us, for perhaps 5 minutes, then back to the Weather Channel.  My mother in law makes an excuse that he is anxious about the weather (there is a chance of rain). 

Incident:  Every time we see Bil, you can see the weight gain.  Bil still will not exercise.  His excuse is his asthma.  And now that my mother in law finds it hard to do things like mall walking, he is getting even less exercise than before.  He also has a sweet tooth.

Outcome:  I truly believe my mother in law is trying her best, and fighting a losing battle that she doesn't have the energy to fight.  I have no idea how to get Bil to move.  I am truly worried about his health.

I will write more about the exercise issue tomorrow.

A Great Loss for Local Special Olympics and Thoughts about Bil's Physical Fitness

Bil does not participate in Special Olympics.  But a young man living across the street from me does, as do the sons of two mothers I know.

As our local paper described today, there was both "joy and sorrow" at our local Special Olympics yesterday with the untimely death of a dedicated volunteer.

Special Olympics is a wonderful program, and has done a lot for the young men I know who participate in it.

It made me think of Bil and how inactive he is.  He has asthma but with modern medicine I know that doesn't stop many people (since I do not have asthma, I can't speak about that firsthand).  Bil has memories of when his asthma was not that well controlled, and he refuses to engage in any kind of physical activity - except mall walking, because he used to do that with his mother when she was able to mall walk without assistance.  But he doesn't walk very quickly.

He's overweight and has some health issues that would be helped if he could lose weight.

I really don't know what (once we are responsible for Bil) what we will be able to do.

It's so hard to establish a new routine for people with autism.  Given Bil's age, I doubt seriously we'll be able to change his inactivity.  And yet, his life may depend on it.

What to do?