Mistakes - #FridayReflections

You haven't lived if you haven't made mistakes.  Mistakes are how we learn, and how we live.

I have made my share of mistakes.  In fact, I can think of a number of mistakes my husband and I have made, when it comes to his autistic brother, "Bil". These include:

1.  Not getting involved in his life soon enough - when his father kept saying (when we tried to bring up Bil's future) "everything is taken care of"....well, it wasn't.  Actually, nothing was taken care of.  Surprise. 

2.  Not applying on his behalf for Medicaid, soon enough, because his mother didn't want us to.  We waited until his widowed mother was struggling, trying to pay for his medications (see #1 above)  that she had to say "yes".  Erroneously, she thought that applying for Medicaid was something that "decent" people didn't do.  But many people don't know that the major beneficiaries of Medicaid, a joint state/federal program, are the elderly, and the disabled.

 By the time she allowed us to go forward, the government had tightened up the requirements.  It took over a year, and a first rejection, to get him the benefits that could pay for his medications, and make other services possible.

3.  Exercise.  Bil never exercised.  When not at his sheltered workshop, he mostly stayed in his room.  Food became a recreation for him.  He loves to eat out.  With his mother, he did plenty of it.

We took him walking in the mall once, and his mother ws upset because he may have had an asthma attack.  We never tried again.

Yes, he has asthma.  But it has also been well controlled for years.

So, why would we want Bil to exercise more, something he doesn't seek out on his own?  For starters, he is overweight bordering on obesity. He does get a little exercise now, at his day program, the program he goes to twice a week (they have exercise videos he enjoys).

But last week, I saw something worrisome.

In our back yard, there is an Adirondack chair.

At a Memorial Day BBQ, Bil ended up sitting in one of our two Adirondack chairs.  The problem?

He couldn't get out of this chair without help.

Bil is in his late 50's.  If you can't get out of a chair in your late 50's, you have a problem.    I've received some education in fall prevention, and I know that your ability to get out of a chair ( a simple sounding thing if you are young)  can predict much about your life as a senior. You need that muscle strength.  Without muscle strength and balance, you become susceptible to falls.

Bil is starting to show signs of vulnerability to falling.  And now I know another mistake - we never paid attention to his physical fitness.  His mother has a long history of falls.  Falls are deadly for seniors.

And now -what do we do, in a way that he will accept?  That is our latest challenge.  Right now, I don't have an answer.  If you have a suggestion, I welcome it.

Join Sanch and Corinne for #FridayReflections.

Today's prompt - "Write a post about making mistakes"

Bil at the Gym

Bil went to a health club last week!

Well, he didn't do much of anything there.  But the fact that he was there was encouraging because of the reason he was there.

His mother took an exercise class - water walking.  She finally (a great victory) allowed herself to be talked into going to a health club. She has a one month trial membership. She had resisted this for years, as her physical condition deteriorated.

Bil's mother is at the point now where she doesn't want to drive by herself.  So, Bil came in the car with her.  I'm not sure what he did for the time she was there but they do have a little cafe there.

I wish so much we could get Bil into that pool, but I somehow don't think that is ever going to happen - unless his mother talks him into going with her.  And I am not sure the club will allow that unless he buys a membership.

The memberships aren't cheap either, sadly.

Right now, our focus is on Bil's Mom.  If she doesn't want to fall again, she must work on her balance. She must use a walker too, but that's another story.

Right now, every time we see Bil, he seems to have gained more weight.  I think he would at least walk in the mall if accompanied by someone.  But his Mom can no longer mall walk and we live hours away.

Right now, we'll just have to put these concerns aside and see what happens with his Mom.  There's only so much we can do at one time.

Bil Speaks for Himself

It was something to see.

I would almost call it a miracle.

Bil knew that someone was coming to my mother in law's house to access her physical condition.  Normally, if a stranger had come to the house, he would have hid in his room.

Not this time.

Bill sat on a chair, near the recliner my mother in law uses, as the person interviewed my mother in law.

At one point she denied having fallen for almost a year, and Bil immediately corrected her, listing times she had fallen, and one time she had tripped.  He named dates and places.

He left at one point, but came back a few minutes later.

He stayed there for almost the entire time.

My theory is, he is deeply concerned for his mother in law, and sensed this person was there to help.  He still wasn't able to articulate his thoughts, but the fact that he stayed, and the fact that he wouldn't let his mother lie, I think spoke for herself.

Good for him.

If only we could wave a magic wand and give him typical abilities to interact with people.  What might we see?

But last week, Bil spoke for himself.  And I was so proud.

Go Time

My research is organized.  It is go time.

We have several sets of issues:  a recap may be helpful.

1. Bil, a man in his 50's with autism, has been cared for by his mother for all his life.  But his mother is in her 80's, has fallen several times, and struggles with issues that may have been caused by a small stroke several years ago.

2.  She wants to have Bil with her. But this is making Bil's world shrink.  She is in tremendous pain now getting in and out of her car.   She just can't take him places.  And, she won't let go.  She already, when his number came up on a waiting list, refused to let him go into supported housing.  He was reluctant, but I think he would have done it if she had encouraged him.

3.  He wants to be around people in his own way, on his own terms.  And she can't be his transportation any more.  I have a feeling she won't be driving for that much longer.

4.  She is losing her hearing.

Thank heavens she still has her wits about her.

5.  She is scared of falling, scared of losing her independence.

6.  We know Bil cares, but he is who he is,and he can't express what he feels.  He cares for his Mom - but on what level, I truly don't know.

7.  Family members have been split on what to do about this situation, but I think, in the last two weeks, we have moved closer.  This process was actually started by another in law of Bil, not me, but it doesn't matter.  This isn't a game with us scoring points.

We meet today (without me).

I will recap what happens today when I can.

Sunday the 13th

We have had several phone calls and two in-person meetings with a couple of other family members in the past week.

Tomorrow (with out me) some phone calls are going to be made.  I hope they can make contact with the people we need to speak to.  I have to work, and can not get off with that short notice to be there.

Money is going to be involved, but we are going to try to minimize how much we have to spend.

We are going to arrrange for an assessment of my mother in law, both herphysical, and her mental, state.  And we are going to have to face the possibility that she may not be able to stay in her home.

I also know one day I will be old, and someone will have to do this for me.  It gives me chills.

We had thought about moving my mother in law and Bil up here, where we and the other family members live, but realize this is going to be traumatic for everyone involved.  This may have to be a last resort.  But first, we need a road map.

So we are going to seek some professional guidance.  It's too much trying to contact agencies here and where Bil lives, too much to get our heads around.   Or do the hours of research I've done.

I've looked at research I've done through the years. I guess the time had to be right, as far as everyone realizing the time was right.

In some cultures, 13 is a lucky number.  Let's hope.

The Stuff is Finally Hitting the Fan

My mother in law's physical condition is deteriorating.  I don't think she is going to be able to continue to live alone/with Bil.

The time may be drawing close where we have to bring her, and Bil, up to where we live to spend the rest of their days.

I'll be writing more about this in the coming days.  This is going to be a complex process, and my mother in law hasn't bought into it.

It (needless to say) will be a huge change for Bil, too.

I'll blog about this more in the coming days.

Finally, this blog will truly get interesting.  I hope I have the time to update it.

Why Can't Bil Help? Because He's a Man, That's Why

Time for another rant.

Why is it, that in my in law's family, men can get away with not helping?

I blogged the other day about one of Bils relatives, who is over 100 years old.  Bless her, that she can continue to live independently - except she can't.  She has a son at home, and until recently, she was taking care of him, not the other way around.

He insisted on fresh vegetables, and this woman, who has three digits in her age, would stand by the sink, cleaning and cutting.

She still would get down on her hands and knees to scrub the floor until recently.  When she was younger, she had the highest standards in housekeeping, so maybe this was voluntary, but why wasn't her son doing the cleaning? Or, most of the cooking?  Or at least the heavy prep work, if he wanted his fresh veggies and not microwave Steamables, for example?

Does the family condemn this man who lets his centenarian mother wait on him hand and foot?

No.

This family attitude extends to Bil.  True, Bil now helps to carry in groceries.  It's become part of her routine.  And sometimes, he will fetch items she can't reach, at her request, especially if the item is on another floor.  But, I've gotten no support whatsoever from my mother in law in trying to train Bil in things like loading and emptying the dishwasher.  Or, putting plates and silverware (from the dishwasher) away.

Folding his laundry might be a stretch, but I think he could be taught.

I think there would be other ways that Bil could make her life easier.  Her mobility becomes more and more limited, and her falls more frequent.

I suspect I know why she doesn't try.

It's because he's a man.

Why does this family insist on waiting on their male members??????

She'd rather suffer, rather be in pain, than have her son live up to his full potential.

And she hurts him, too, by not giving him that chance.

Can't she see that?

The Department Store Fall

Today I was shopping in a local department store when I heard a very loud "thud".  Within seconds, I heard exclamations of surprise and employees running towards an escalator.

It was obvious something bad had happened.

A few moments later I saw an employee carrying a cane away from the scene.  And then I heard sirens, and a couple of medical people entered the building.

My heart sank when I saw the cane.

It could have been my mother in law.  And what if Bil had been there with her, as he is enough times when she shops - because he likes his outings.

I wonder what happened.  I probably will never know.