Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bil Must Move Out!

My mother in law wants to stay in her house "forever".  With her increasing physical problems I don't think it is going to be possible.  I want to honor her wishes but more and more I don't think it is right for her.

She is in so much denial.

She walks with a cane when she would probably be much better off with a walker.  It took several falls for her to admit she needed the cane, during which she did probably permanent damage to one leg.

She's had several recent small accidents with her car (fortunately, all involving her garage-nothing on public roads-yet).  The back of her car looks like a war zone.  There is no good public transportation where she lives and Bil expects her to be practically an on-call chauffeur.

She's had the "I've fallen" medical alert button for over three years now but refuses to wear it except when she is in the shower.

I think she needs to leave that house, and needs to be closer to two of her three non-disabled children.

I am very concerned about recent complaints that she is "bored" all the time.  Her good friend and next door neighbor spends much of the year out of state, and she is with family when she is in town.

She seems to want to be in front of the TV more and more.

On the other hand if she moves up here with Bil:

1. the cost of living up here in the Triple Cities is so much less than where she is in the NYC suburbs.

2.More transportation options if she has to give up driving. (I suspect that day may be closer than my husband wants to admit to.  I'm still worried about her recent accident where she drove into the garage with the garage door closed because she "got distracted". That's her reasoning for everything that happens.  She fell because she got distracted.  She misjudged parking because she got distracted.)

3.  I'm more and more concerned about the way she is spending money.  She feels she must be as generous if invited to a wedding, etc. as she always has been, for example.  And, she got invited to two weddings in three months "and had to buy a new dress and a new purse." for each one.  Well, no she didn't. But many years of spending without looking much at price tags (even though she grew up poor) isn't going to just stop.  When we looked at her spending, we were shocked on how much she was spending on food.  For just the two of them.

Of course, me (the daughter in law) is going to bear the brunt of caretaking.  Isn't that what always happens?

So what about Bil?
I think moving out for him would be the best thing to happen to him.

Whatever happens he MUST get settled in a housing situation before something really bad happens to my mother in law.  Because I don't know how he will react but it won't be good if she isn't there to cushion the change.  I've been told by his medicaid service coordinator that Bil is resistant to change to a greater extent than many people with autism.

Perhaps her moving out of her home might be a catalyst to her seeing that she MUST let go of him.  Not to stop being a mother who loves him but it is past time that he experience whatever degree of independence that he is capable of.

I hope we have time to talk about it this weekend when they are up here.

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