We visited Bil and my mother in law this weekend. Several things are apparent.
1. She is losing her mobility to the extent that I think she is going to need a lot more help than she is getting. She can't afford for the (private) help she is using anymore: a weekly housekeeper, someone to mow the lawn, and snow removal in the winter, that kind of thing, which she was paying out of something seniors use commonly.
2. Due to a recent fall, it is very painful for her to get in and out of her car. For example, she has had a friend taking her (we just found out) shopping, to doctor's appointments, and so forth. But, this friend lives part of the year out of state (not quite a snowbird, but you can sort of call it that.) So what happens when she doesn't have someone to drive her?
She can still drive - this is a physical problem getting in and out of the car.
We live 150 miles away, so one of us taking her would be a problem.
We offered to do her shopping while we were down there but she said this friend had already taken her Thursday.
3. She mentioned several times this weekend about money problems. Not specific but just before we were supposed to leave she mentions her cell phone bill, then shows her our heating bill. We stayed longer. I called her cell phone provider (probably should be a post in itself) to try to get her onto another plan.
4. Through all this, of course, Bil is clueless. Not that I expected anything more, frankly. He can only absorb what he can absorb. But for example, my mother in law has an appointment for a medical procedure Tuesday morning. This friend is driving her to the hospital. But then...well, Bil and my mother in law have lunch every Tuesday. So of course she is expected to have lunch with him Tuesday.
She is going to have to say no to him more. But how do you make a person with autism understand his mother isn't some kind of automatic care provider machine?